2007-08-15
On Saturday I got engaged. This is interesting to me, but being that I don't know if I'm capable of uncomplex emotions I am having trouble with the requisite effusiveness that the occasion seems to demand. All the congrats leave me feeling funny. Was our relationship somehow not legit previous to this step towards commitment? Am I now a more special and real person because a man has deemed me worthy of marrying? Is my health insurance really what the family loves about me as a potential wife? I look at this ring on my finger and feel a lot of things other than happiness, like nauseousness about the finality of it, and also annoyance at myself for willing to be party to such draconian notions of coupledom. I thank God that J. and I agree to a very long engagement, because I have a lot of things to sort out. I saw a bumper sticker on my way to work yesterday that said, "DIVORCE: the NEW ENGAGEMENT" and I felt no rain on my parade. I just hope I can remain as neutral as Switzerland. I would like to return to Maine for the summer, so this is something I should work on...getting a school job so I have summers off to enjoy the open space, or at least get a job at one of the lovely localed libraries of Maine. I kid you not, they are all stately and located in spots with amazing views.